The ‘Corporate’ language !!

‘We will do it’
means
‘You will do it’

‘You have done a great job’
means
‘More work to be given to you’

‘We are working on it’
means
‘We have not yet started working on the same’

‘Tomorrow, first thing in the morning’
means
‘Its not getting done…
At least not tomorrow !’.

‘After discussion we will decide –
I am very open to views’

means
‘I have already decided, I will tell you what to do’

‘There was a slight miscommunication’
means
‘We had actually lied’

‘Lets call a meeting and discuss’
means
‘I have no time now, will talk later’

‘We can always do it’
means
‘We actually cannot do the same on time’

‘We are on the right track but there needs
to be a slight extension of the deadline’

means
‘The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time.’

‘We had slight differences of opinion’
means
‘We had actually fought’

‘Make a list of the work that you do and
let’s see how I can help you’

means
‘Anyway you have to find a way out, no help from me’

‘You should have told me earlier’
means
‘Well even if you told me earlier that

would have made hardly any difference!’

‘We need to find out the real reason’
means
‘Well I will tell you where your fault is’

‘Well…. family is important, your leave is always
granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected’

means
‘Well you know…’

‘We are a team’
means
‘I am not the only one to be blamed’

‘That’s actually a good question’
means
‘I do not know anything about it’
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AND FINALLY, THE BEST OF ALL…
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‘All the Best’
means
‘ You are in trouble’

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Cracking the HR code

COMPETITIVE SALARY
Most of our competitors don’t pay much either.

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”
We have no time to train you.

“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”
You’ll be here very late, very often — might as well be comfortable.

“MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED”
Your first four projects are already way overdue.

“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”
Did we mention that you’ll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.

“DUTIES WILL VARY”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
We have no quality control.

“CAREER-MINDED”
Female applicants must be childless.

“APPLY IN PERSON”
If you’re old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.

“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”
This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executive’s nephew.

“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”
Due to consolidation, you’ll be replacing three people.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”
This company is a total mess.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”
You’ll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect.

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS “
Listen to management, figure out what they want, don’t ask too many questions and get the sh*t done

Compter quips

What is a computer’s first sign of old age?
Loss of memory

What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.

CPU prayer: Forgive us our I/O errors as we forgive
those whose logic circuits are faulty.  Lead us not
into frustration and deliver us from power surges.
Blessed be the giver of data, Patron of the data
distressed.

What is an astronaut’s favorite key on a computer
keyboard?
The space bar.

What happened when the computer fell on the
floor?
It slipped a disk.

To err is human, but to really screw things up
requires a computer.

My computer is never sick–it practices safe “hex.”

Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.

What is a computer virus:
A terminal illness.

How did the mouse get out of the Russian Cathedral?
He clicked on an icon and opened a window.

How was God able to make the universe in only 6 days?
He didn’t do any documentation.

20 Rules in any office

20 Rules in any office

1. Rule 1. – The Boss is always right.
2. If the Boss is wrong, see rule 1.
3. Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions.
4. Ph.D. stands for “Pull Him Down”. The more intelligent a person, the more hardworking a person, the more committed a person; the more number of persons are engaged in pulling that person down.
5. If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
6.. When the Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
7. It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you are going to do.
8. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
9. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
10. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
11. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it…
12. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
13.. Following the rules will not get the job done.
14. If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
15. Everything can be filed under “Miscellaneous” .
16. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
17. You can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work you are supposed to be doing.
18. In order to get a promotion, you need not necessarily know your job.
19. In order to get a promotion, you only need to pretend that you know your job.
20. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Worried Employees

Employees of a Company are all worried. Some are roaming around. Some are in
loud discussions during office time…..

Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened
to a senior employee, they ask, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss”

They’re asking for Rs.10 Crores ransom, otherwise they’re going to
douse him with petrol and set him on fire.

Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened
to a senior employee, they ask, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss”

They’re asking for Rs.10 Crores ransom, otherwise they’re going to
douse him with petrol and set him on fire.

We’re going from desk to desk, taking up a collection.”

One Trainee asks, “How much is everyone giving, on average?

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“About 1 litre.”